Welcome to our Chalet

Found when tidying up our flat in Switzerland – Louise’s “list of useful phrases that might come in handy during your stay”.

Greetings

“You’ve put on weight”

“Tu as grossi”

“Haven’t the police found you yet?”

“La police, ne t’a pas encore trouvé?”

General chit-chat

“Would you stop spitting on me while you’re talking!”

“Voulez-vous cesser de me cracher dessus pendant que vous parlez!”

“Reality and you don’t get on, do they?”

“Le réalité et toi, vous ne vous entendez pas, n’est-ce pas?”

“You’ve got a face that would blow off manhole covers”

“T’as une tête a faire sauter les plaques d’égouts!”

“Are you drunk?”

“Est-ce question vous êtes ivre?”

“You have a chive on your tooth”

“Vous avez de la ciboulette sur votre dent”

“You’re a complete moron”

“Tu es complement debile”

“You get on my nerves”

“Tu me peles le jonc”

“As a child, was your cradle rocked too close to the wall?”

“On t’a bercé trop près du mur?”

“Idiot”, “Fool”, “Cretin”, “Imbecile”

“Idiot”, “Fou”, “Cretin”, “Imbecile”

Helping others

“What did your last slave die of?”

“De quoi est mort votre dernier esclave?”

“I’d help you, but I don’t like you”

“Je vous aurais bien aide, mais je ne vous aime pas”

“Do it yourself”

“Faites-le vous-même”

“Stop bothering me!”

“Parle à mon cul, ma tête est malade”

Dealing with Parents of children

“My God your children are ugly!”

“Mon Dieu, que vos enfants sont laids”

“Your children are very attractive. Are they adopted?”

“Vos enfants sont très beaux. Ils sont adoptes?”

“How much for the little girl?”

“Combien pour la fillette?”

Eating out

“How many of your customers have died?”

“Combien de vos clients sont morts?”

“This restaurant isn’t as good as McDonalds”

“Ce restaurant n’est pas aussi bon que McDonalds”

“Did these fish die of radiation sickness”

“Ces poissons, ils sont mort d’irradiation?”

“I think this wine has been drunk before”

“Je pense que ce vin a déjà eté bu”

“For dessert, what would you suggest to get the taste of the main course out of my mouth?”

“Comme dessert, que me suggèreriez-vous pour effacer le goût du plat de resistance de ma bouche?”

Avez Vous Quelque Chose à Declarer?

“I like Spain better”

“Je préfère l’Espagne”

“Yes, I am hungry” (Obelix)

“Oui, j’ai faim”

“Only my genius” (Oscar Wilde)

“Juste mon genie”

“Long live Algeria”

“Vive l’Algerie”

Visiting

“Whoever painted this place was blind”

“Quiconque a peint cette maison était aveugle”

“What an austere house!”

“Quelle maison austere!”

“It’s a bit of a dive, but it has some nice mould”

“Ça fait un peu boui-boui, mail il y a de la jolie moisissure”

“It could be quite nice if it was decorated with taste”

“Ça pourrait être joli si c’était décoré avec goût”

Commenting on fashion

“you should sue your tailor”

“Vous devriez poursuivre votre tailleur en justice”

“I think the dress is too small for you”

“Je pense que la robe est trop petite pour vous”

Was it difficult to find a tie more obnoxious than you?”

“Est-ce difficile trouver une cravate plus odieuse que vous?”

Who is this ‘Grenouille anyway?

“I have a frog in my bidet!”

“J’ai une grenouille dans mon bidet!”

“Your frog has eaten my lunch!”

“Votre grenouille a mangé mon déjeuner”

Rebuilding and remembering

In September 2024 my web hoster switched off their servers and to our horror Louise’s tribute site disappeared off the internet. A new year’s resolution was to recover the domain and rebuild the site from ancient backup files. Here it is! Great to see all the wonderful memories that friends sent us again. Apologies that a few of the links no longer work and some images don’t display properly – not perfect but I think the site still captures how loved Louise was and how dearly she is remembered.

Clubbing

By Louise’s 18th birthday she was already well established as a DJ. With her friend Kylie she performed all over London playing their versions of ‘dirty electro’. They called themselves “Pure Filth”. One of their friends did a great photoshoot including the pic below. You should be able to find more on this site.

On her 18th birthday – 14 years ago today – Vicky and I trooped down to Sin nightclub in Charing Cross Road to witness a set for ourselves. We were definitely the oldest couple in the room and probably the most underdressed but still impressed to see how Louise and Kylie could get the place moving.

Nudie Sailors

On a recent sailing trip with old friends John and Hil we reminisced about a great family holiday in Corsica where the spend the first week sailing around the north of the island – in fact there was hardly any wind so more motoring than sailing.

We were fascinated to find that not only are there nudist beaches dotted in secluded spots around the island but also that some boats (I think French?) like to sail entirely nude! Louise would grab the captain’s binoculars and inspect other boats that we approached. Every now and then a cry of “nudie boat” would go up followed by the kids collapsing into fits of giggles.

A future of B.S. and STUPIDity…

Louise was awarded an A* and 29/30 for what her teacher described as a “highly entertaining piece” which I have transcribed here. Probably written around 2005-06 it was very prescient! You can find the original here.

‘In the future we will all be slaves to things like personal stereos, computers and mobile phones’

Welcome to the new age, one of ultimate non-communication. People fool themselves into thinking that they are communicating by having their mobiles switched on all day and checking their emails constantly. What they are actually engaging in is the ultimate form of non-communication (which will from now on be referred to as UNC).

The phenomenon of UNC has only arisen in the last ten or so years. It is highly dangerous as people often do not recognise UNC for what it actually is. UNC occurs when one being transmits unnecessary waffle (which from now on be referred to as B.S.) via a UNC unit such as a mobile telephone or computer.

This B.S. often takes the form of a subject which one party could not care less about as it does not concern them in any way. Here is an example of B.S.:

Hi Miranda, just to let you know, Jack broke up with me. I’m so depressed.’

‘Oh. I am sorry…’

B.S. is however only B.S. if the information is conveyed through a UNC unit, otherwise it is just known as information. The demon that causes this information to become B.S. is the issue of non-communicative communication (otherwise known as UNC), and the reason is simple. UNC contains no personal levels whatsoever and therefore the B.S. has to be interpreted by the person on the receiving end of B.S. Often this B.S. is misinterpreted as negative B.S. or unnecessary B.S. which makes a lot of people sick of all this B.S.

It would all be very harmless B.S. apart from one thing, UNC is highly addictive. A UNC addict is often compulsive (a regular checker of UNC units), impulsive (frequently changes plans over UNC), paranoid (says things like “why haven’t they called yet!?”) and cannot go any long period of time without UNC. In other words their life is ruled by B.S.

However, when the young UNC addicts do have a spare moment away from all their usual BS, they can usually be found indulging in the following: Stereos, TV, Underage drinking, Playstations, Internet and occasionally Drugs (abbreviation = STUPID). STUPIDity also carries the same high-risk addictiveness.

In conclusion, our lives are already controlled by B.S. and STUPIDity. 

School Days

Caroline writes  Dear Vicky I shall be thinking of you all today and I shall be  remembering Louise as a year three girl dressed in her brown and blue North London collegiate school uniform with her hair flying all over the place she dashed around the grounds at Canons . I shall also remember recalling her life at school as I sat with Mrs McCabe and Mrs Prazer at Louise’s memorial service at Cecil Sharp House. Be strong today. we are all thinking of you love Caroline xx

Fatty Thursdays

Dot writes Dear Lil Lou, It’s been 10 years since you left us but your beautiful soul is forever with us . You were always a very kind and amazing friend who’s always there for you. Memories of our Fatty Thursdays and great nights out full of joy and laughter feel me up with love but sadness at same time. I miss you very much and so does everyone else. Your beautiful sprit is shining on us all. I’m so lucky to have met you and your family. Love you forever and ever ❤️❤️❤️ xxx

Flyer girls

Laura Campbell writes: Just been sat thinking about Lou and just remembered a night out when I used to stay at yours. We used to flyer for queens of noise for a bit of cash and free entry to the club night. We would take most to a random pub toilet and leave them there. One night we were both quite drunk and waiting at the bar to be served and Lou said she felt sick, so I said quick let’s go to the toilet but she said she couldn’t make it and threw up on the bar ! I grabbed her and ran to the toilets before anyone saw and we managed to get away with it to dance the rest of the night 

On the piste

Friend Susie writes: I couldn’t leave a memory on louisecattell.com – my tech incompetence! – so I thought I’d write the 2 most vivid memories I have of her here.

One is meeting Louise at a station or airport en route to go skiing and she had a purple streak in her hair and the widest smile in the crowd.

In Champoussin there was a double T-bar lift station right below the chalet. One late afternoon Vicky and I were leaning over the chalet’s balcony rail. There was a shortish queue for the lift – probably the last run of the day.  Ross took the lift at his turn, and no one joined him. Suddenly from the right swooped Louise, along the queue and in beside Ross – perfect timing just as the T-bar jerked away.  “Oh, she does love her Daddy” said Vicky.

A Young Friend

Jane writes: I was so fortunate to have your Louise in my life and to consider her a friend, getting to know her in her teens and early adulthood on those lovely family ski-ing and Tobago holidays. She was such infectious fun and always lit up the room  – I’ll never forget us ‘girls’ in the wonderful, warm Caribbean Sea singing away with our swimming costumes on our heads (not on our bodies!), encouraged by Louise and Tobagan rum punches!  Not just fun, she was such a kind and caring person, and I always thought in many ways, wise beyond her years. When I broke my arm over Christmas in Champery she offered to spend days with me while everyone was out ski-ing and regularly checked in on how I was, even from Australia. I treasured those texts from Australia and when my phone was stolen shortly after her death, my immediate reaction was to chase down the road after the young man, screaming at him, that he had stolen irreplaceable text messages from my young friend and that he had to give my phone back. it wasn’t a question of insurance, I wanted the texts and offered the local lads a £250 cash reward for finding it.  I failed to retrieve it of course, but that’s another story. It was such a pleasure, along with my great friend Jane Grisewood, who also adored Louise, to give her advice when she was putting together her application for art school.  She will always be with me, and my heart goes out to the three of you next week.  I look forward to meeting up when we are allowed, to celebrate and remember her short but action packed, memorable life.